- NEWSDAY.CO.TT - A la Une - 07/Sep 07:34

Odd jobs: on helping

HELP is a gift. If given at the right time, in the right way, it is a gift for which there is no sufficient level of gratitude. Accepting help is also a gift. Being able to say, “Truly, I can’t do this on my own,” or “I really need someone to reach the things on the top shelf” – this is also a gift. I’ve come to believe that the offer of help finds its most sincere gratitude in the acceptance. The right help exactly as needed is a rare thing. So, if you got it right and were able to be there for someone who needed you: huzzah for you. We all need all sorts of help as we womble through our lives, but the help I’ve found myself thinking about a lot recently is the kind we need or give when we’re mentally or emotionally at the end of all the string we ever had. In the past, I’ve talked about when to seek psychiatric help and what to offer if you think that’s what someone needs. But what about the whole world that stands between a person and that moment when they’re ready for that kind of attention? It’s the hand-holding phase, and, long or short, it is lifesaving work. Speaking from both sides of the equation, I know how tortured this can be for the helper and the helped. Because few people want to admit they are not coping well with whatever the world or their brain chemistry throws at them. Or they may not realise that the pain on the inside is showing on the outside. For the people who want to help someone they think is having a bad time, pretty much everything is precarious: when, how, what, where. Do you include other people or not? Are you the right person to help? Will the one in need feel insulted by your offer and cut ties with you? When you care about and want to help someone who is anxious, depressed, going through something you can’t even name, nothing is easy. You can be dealing with a person who has acknowledged mental health issues. Unsurprisingly, these can be the most difficult situations. From the earliest days of my bad times to the present, those with a care for me did two things: they talked and they brought ice cream. Sometimes I could be part of the talking, other times not so much. But I really appreciated not being left alone with my thoughts. That person in the room is an immediate distraction from the bad place. There have been times when that seemingly simple act made me squirm or led to a full-blown panic attack. But if I could only make myself stay there with them, it usually helped. I’ve also been the person making someone else wince at the sight of me. But again, if they let me stay with them, it usually helped. In spite of this absurd social hard-wiring that makes us feel we must not bother others with our troubles, I think at our cores, we don’t want to be left alone when the storm comes. And why should we? If there was an actual storm and we could help others get to safety, would most of us not at least try to help? All these years of feeling uncomfortable in my skin, all these years of watching others go through something similar have brought me exactly one bit of understanding: we’re all a little odd. It’s important to start there. Because often when we’re in a bad place, that’s when we let a little of it show, and if the people who are not us respond only to what looks anomalous and not to our pain, then we’ll get nowhere fast. Some people need hugs and tea. Some need talking and going for drives. Some want to lie under a chair or sleep on the lawn. If someone feels they can’t talk but are willing to write notes, why must we be so quick to say that is unacceptable? Someone once told me everyone has weirdness in them, but mine is on the outside. I’m not, in fact, outside of me, so I don’t know. I do know that we’re all made up of a whole lot more than what appears to be usual. And if it shows when I’m not well, I want someone to be patient enough to put up with it. And you can do more than put up with it. Remember to talk to your doctor or therapist if you want to know more about what you read here. In many cases, there’s no single solution or diagnosis to a mental health concern. Many people suffer from more than one condition. The post Odd jobs: on helping appeared first on Trinidad and Tobago Newsday.