Maroc - NEWSDAY.CO.TT - A la Une - 14/Aug 06:11

The weight of disappointment

Kanisa George I RECENTLY had the biggest disappointment of my life. One that shook me to the core and made me question the true depth of humanity. It wasn’t a break-up or the heartbreak of a friendship that had run its course. It involved a foiled terrorist attack, a couple of Taylor Swift tickets and a flight across the Atlantic. Of course, some might say it wasn’t meant to be, or why fuss about such trivial stuff? But for me, I couldn’t help but feel the sting of hurt rising within me, taking hold of my sanity and eradicating the fairy-tale ending I’d envisioned for myself. In my distress, I got to thinking about all the disappointing situations I have encountered thus far and the ones yet to come. In life, some moments sing you songs of happiness, and others dismantle the plans you've worked so hard to put into motion. When the latter occurs, how well-versed are you at shouldering disappointment? As with most negative situations, disappointment disrupts the calm of our lives, almost like a thief in the night, banishing dreams that won’t ever be realised. Yet without disappointment we won’t fully appreciate the thrill of life and all the sweet and savoury things to come. Not having your hopes or expectations met, especially in the context of a relationship, isn’t an easy feeling to sit with, so how do we deal with the unpleasant, unavoidable nature of disappointment? I usually think of disappointment as a toxic gas that spreads rapidly, settles and then dissipates, sometimes leaving a lingering fume behind. That lingering element we take into the next stage of our lives informs our reality and sets the tone for future fallouts or triumphs. Naturally, we’ll want to avoid disappointment even if it’s staring us dead in the face. So, we minimise or distract ourselves just to put away the unpleasantness of the experience. But the feelings attached to the end of a valued relationship or an opportunity lost won’t go away so quickly. The value we place on disappointment is unmistakably linked to our expectations of ourselves, others or the outcome of an experience. When reality doesn’t match the outcome we craved, we often can’t validate the intensity of our disappointment, which delays our healing process and leads to an unhealthy relationship with things of the past. Also, because how we handle disappointment relates to our developmental history, whether it be the relationship with our parents or other formative experiences, we try to avoid them by setting the bar low. One writer cites that we unconsciously set the bar low and avoid taking risks to prevent ourselves and others from being disappointed. An article published in the Harvard Business Review, titled "Dealing with disappointment," highlighted that “far too many people, when faced with disappointment, tend to attribute adverse life events to their failings. They resort to obsessional self-blaming because they feel ashamed of not measuring up to the image of their ideal self. As a result, they direct their anger inward to themselves. This unfortunate action breeds an attitude of self-hate and unrealistic expectations and can damage self-esteem. “Take me as I am.” Whenever I think of disappointing situations, even if I’ve done all I can to prevent them, it is the moments after the fallout that I find most challenging to understand, whether hours, days, or weeks later. And the more I consider this confusion, the clearer it becomes that my struggle had much to do with my willingness to accept reality. So, I’ve discovered that we must take the reality as it is. Embrace what the disappointment brings. The immense shock surrounding a reality we didn’t expect will only remain as long as we’re stuck holding on to what was. It’s always possible to turn things around, and it will sometimes require a significant financial and emotional burden. But as with a handful of disappointing things, it’s more likely the end of the road. So mourn the loss, but don’t try to bend the trajectory. Accept disappointment as it is. As hinted above, disappointment is a consequential loss. And with any loss there is a wave of emotions to confront and acknowledge. The sadness or anger you experience due to disappointment won’t evaporate overnight. However, with time and the ability to focus on your feelings, you'll attain a sense of freedom that eradicates the discomfort you felt at the start of the endeavour. Psychologist Justin Arco suggests that the first stage in relinquishing feelings surrounding disappointment is being kind toward yourself and validating your feelings. Getting support from others can also be helpful but you must do the heavy lifting. Also, it can be helpful to focus on something else of value to lessen the intensity of the feeling and continue along your journey. Are my expectations reasonable? Take a moment to examine your expectations and determine whether they were unrealistic regarding an outcome. Consider, are my expectations too high? Have I placed too much reliance on an unrealistic outcome? Sometimes we’re so caught up in wanting a fairy-tale ending that we don’t stop to consider that it might not be at all possible. Disappointments come no matter how much we try to avoid them; their poison will inevitably mark us. So, whether your concert got cancelled, your best friend betrayed you, or you didn’t get the job, keep in mind that no matter how unfair and upsetting it may seem, your light, strength and conviction are far more powerful than the disappointment. 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