Maroc - NEWSDAY.CO.TT - A la Une - 19/Oct 04:08

Find your cow

The swimming is going – I don’t want to say “well” – the fact that I’ve not quit the class is enough self-praise. You know, that’s not fair. It’s great. Here I am, looking much like a beluga whale and living my best life as a mammal who likes water. In his monumental work on human existence, Hallelujah, Leonard Cohen writes: “The only thing I learned from love/Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew ya.” I need to paraphrase and change “love” to “life” for my purposes. I’ve always – always – been so afraid of insult or mockery, I learned how to get to the punch before anyone else had a chance. It is a coping mechanism. Probably not a great one, but it has the double advantage of making people laugh, and that takes the sting out of anything they could say or do. When we are assailed by woes, tragedies and Wrightson Road traffic, we need to find healthy ways to keep sane and calm. There are positive and negative versions of coping. Self-abasement (my version) is not great, but it’s also not detrimental. It is definitely not a model to follow. People who know about these things often give examples of good coping such as talking to friends or therapists, exercise, journalling, meditating or making to-do lists that directly focus on the problem. Oh, and gardening. They can’t stop with the gardening. But what if none of their suggestions work for your personality or schedule? This is where we come to – for the umpteenth time – how well you know yourself. We all need to find the thing that works for us. I think of myself as a swimmer. Not a competitive or even graceful swimmer, but someone who feels most herself when in water. Swimming is one of my coping mechanisms. It’s nice that it happens to be a form of exercise, but even if wasn’t, I’d do it. Some people find long drives de-stressing. I know someone who routinely drives about 45 minutes away from his house as a way to calm down. Another friend gets into a therapeutic round of fence-painting to keep herself at a nice minimal stress level. Listening to music, sorting that drawer of random things we all have, making cookies – from the prosaic to the comforting, there’s something for all of us. I’m know I’m harping on the idea of finding something – whatever it is – that’s right for you. But I’ve got more harp in me yet. “I can’t world right now,” is something I say too often. I say it and then, quite likely, anxiety sets in. I don’t want that for you. One of my problems is that I have too few effective tools with which to calm the hell down. You might ask what happened to my reliable desire for cake. Would cake not soothe me? Yes, and too often it has. It may not be a recognised harmful drug, but if you’ve heard me talk about cake, you know that in my hands it’s dangerous. It’s easy for us to find we can cope when we do things that aren’t great for us. They may feel good, they may feel like the only things that help. That way lies things worse than stress. My drug of choice is food. For others it’s alcohol, actual illegal drugs, self-harm and other things that are not your friends in the long run. I’m merely coping with regular life. Some are coping with toxic home environments or trauma. You can find information on the types of coping: problem-focused, emotion- focused, social, spiritual. Or learn more about the difference between coping mechanisms and defence mechanisms. Good, solid research stands behind what you might read. I don’t have the letters behind my name to give me any authority. That’s why the only thing I feel comfortable talking about is how you do the coping. You. Definitely take useful advice when it’s given, but don’t believe any list is comprehensive and that the list-maker knows all about you. You find puzzles relaxing? Do that. Can you carve a wooden bird? Make a few. This is about finding calm in the cauldron in a way that doesn’t hurt you or others. And you shouldn’t lose you in the process. I once saw my mother bathe a cow. It was a borrowed cow, but she washed and shampooed it. She dried it and brushed it. And she sang to it. I’m not judging. I don’t know that she had ever even met a cow before. But she seemed so… serene. Find your cow. Remember to talk to your doctor or therapist if you want to know more about what you read here. In many cases, there’s no single solution or diagnosis to a mental health concern. Many people suffer from more than one condition. The post Find your cow appeared first on Trinidad and Tobago Newsday.